A Playoff Wish List

Ten things we’d like to see during the 2018 Stanley Cup Playoffs:

  1. Constant camera shots of a seething Columbus coach John Tortorella as his Blue Jackets are swept out of the first round without winning a game.
  2. No camera shots of P.K. Subban. Ever. Even if he is awarded a penalty shot, in overtime, game 7. Go directly to commercial.
  3. A complete ban on playoff beards. Why do players who reach the sport’s biggest stage want to impersonate their old physics teacher anyway?
  4. A ban on national anthems. The singers are trying way too hard to impress…without success. Drop the friggin puck.
  5. Boston’s Brad Marchand gets tuned up in the most one-sided fight in NHL history. Dale Rolfe style.
  6. Boston’s Brad Marchand gets tuned up again, breaking the previous record for most one-sided fight in NHL history (which was established 5 minutes and 1 second earlier.)
  7. Someone figures out that Patrik Laine scores every single goal from the exact same spot on the ice and gets there before he does.
  8. Someone points out that all NHL teams saddled with pathetic fan support (Arizona, Carolina, Florida and Dallas) missed the playoffs. Gary Bettman denies they all missed the playoffs.
  9. Count Dracula sues Gary Bettman for identity theft.
  10. Count Dracula takes over as NHL president and announces a solution to the never-ending goalie interference controversy: No goalies.

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